


not with haste

by QuaintImperfections



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-29
Updated: 2017-01-29
Packaged: 2018-09-20 18:58:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,596
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9507662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuaintImperfections/pseuds/QuaintImperfections
Summary: “It’s okay, my friend,” Cassian says as he sits next to him, and it’s ridiculous how it makes Bodhi sob out loud, and it’s embarrassing that once he gives voice to his cries he can’t keep quiet anymore. Cassian is talking to him but Bodhi can’t hear; he feels a hand on his back and he wants to pull away from the touch, but at the same time its weight is so soft and warm on him he wishes he could wrap himself in it.





	

Bodhi doesn’t remember what the dream was about. He isn’t even sure when he woke up. All he knows is that he’s standing next to his bed, and then he’s crashing back onto it, dizzy, and bending over his knees. His hands are pressed to his face, trying to keep some phantom terrible image away.

He is crying and he can’t stop. He wants to stop, he can’t just cry whenever he wants to, people will see, they’ll know something’s wrong, they’ll know he’s not good enough, they—

“Bodhi?” someone inquires and his chest hurts with the wild thumping of his heart. “Bodhi.”

He remembers, then. Cassian. He shares a room with Cassian. He doesn’t serve the Empire anymore, he doesn’t live near anyone who would want to hurt him. Why can’t he stop crying, then?

“It’s okay, my friend,” Cassian says as he sits next to him, and it’s ridiculous how it makes Bodhi sob out loud, and it’s embarrassing that once he gives voice to his cries he can’t keep quiet anymore. Cassian is talking to him but Bodhi can’t hear; he feels a hand on his back and he wants to pull away from the touch, but at the same time its weight is so soft and warm on him he wishes he could wrap himself in it.

Cassian grabs onto his shoulders and tries to pull him upright, but Bodhi doesn’t budge, too mortified to even look at him. Cassian sighs and Bodhi thinks that he’ll go back to bed, that he’s giving up on dealing with him. But then he feels the man slide on his knees in front of him and push at his shoulders.

Bodhi finally looks at him, confused, and his chest fills with guilt when he sees Cassian’s ruffled hair and tired gaze. He wants to say something, but then Cassian just gives him a little smile and pulls him closer. Bodhi finds himself with his face in the crook of Cassian’s neck, and his heart swells when the other man starts rubbing his back and murmuring something to him. It’s overwhelming in a way Bodhi isn’t really sure he understands, so he just closes his eyes shut and cries until he’s too tired to let anything else out.

After a while, Cassian carefully pushes Bodhi back on the mattress. He pulls the blanket over him and sits at the edge of his bed, silent. Bodhi watches him until his eyes feel too heavy to stay open any longer.

***

It doesn’t happen every night after that. Most nights he is tired, way too tired to do anything else but lie down and let sleep take over him. And then...

Then he finds himself curled up on his side, shaking with his sobs. It makes him feel breathless and sick but he keeps a hand over his mouth, trying to keep the noises in and let Cassian sleep. It doesn’t work. He gets up and walks over without a noise, without a complaint. He puts a hand on Bodhi’s shoulder and gently pulls at him until he rolls onto his back.

“It’s okay,” he says. _It’s not._ “I’m here.” _...You are._ He puts a light hand on Bodhi’s chest. “Don’t keep it in,” he says, as if he knows of the weight that Bodhi carries in his breast, and Bodhi breaks.

With one hand covering his face and the other over Cassian’s on top of his chest, he finally finds sleep.

***

Third time’s when he fucks up.

He’s sat up in his bed, blankets pooled around his waist, his forehead on Cassian’s shoulder. Cassian’s hand is moving from his hair to his neck, fingers rubbing soothing circles into his skin. His calming murmurs turn to humming and Bodhi freezes, listens.

He hasn’t heard anyone sing in a long time. Nobody has sung to _him_ since...

Since Jedha.

He tries to quiet his breathing and sink into the moment, let Cassian’s voice envelop him. He doesn’t understand the words of the song, and he wants to ask – is that Cassian’s language? Does he know a lot of songs? Did his mother sing to him when he was little? Does she still live?

He doesn’t say anything. He moves closer and leans into Cassian. His heart jumps in his chest when Cassian leans his cheek on Bodhi’s head and his arm finds its way around Bodhi’s back to hold him close. He keeps singing.

After the song ends they don’t move away for a while. Cassian doesn’t let him go and Bodhi doesn’t want to move a muscle, afraid he’ll break the moment.

When he finally dares to look up, he feels a blush warm up his cheeks as he sees the softness in Cassian’s eyes. He hesitates, but then leans in, and their lips meet in a moment that seems to stretch on forever. When he pulls away his heart is thumping wildly in his breast, as if it is set on getting close to Cassian itself.

Another second stretches long before Cassian reacts, and the torn look in his eyes is almost enough to break Bodhi again, but then he leans in and kisses him with passion. His hands are warm on the sides of Bodhi’s face and Bodhi feels that he could melt into his soft touches. He moves in even closer and wraps around Cassian, nearly topples them over, and Cassian pulls away to chuckle softly.

“Take it easy,” he whispers. To Bodhi’s dismay, he moves back on the bed, away from him. “You need rest,” he says, tucking a strand of Bodhi’s hair behind his ear.

“So do you,” Bodhi says, and Cassian nods.

He leans in to kiss Bodhi’s forehead before he gets up. “Rest. We have got time.”

 _We don’t,_ Bodhi thinks.

But he doesn’t say anything.

***

They don’t speak of it the morning after. Or the one that comes after that. Or any of the ones in the following week.

They almost don’t talk at all, despite living together, and Bodhi is too nervous to ask Cassian about it, and he feels he would have been at least a little angry about the whole thing, lest he wasn’t so tired. When he finally dares to speak up Cassian has just gotten out of the refresher, ready for bed.

“Cassian?”

“Hm?”

“Could you look at me, please?” Bodhi asks and sits up on his bed, his feet touching the cold floor. Something rises in him when Cassian takes his time doing even this little, but it dies down when he recognizes the hurt in his eyes. The fear.

They look at each other for a while, and Bodhi swallows before he speaks again. “I thought you wanted it, too,” he says, voice quiet. He’s thought about that night from every possible angle, planned this conversation a million times in the last few days, but he never imagined it starting like this.

Cassian closes his eyes for a moment before he braces himself and moves to sit next to Bodhi. He’s looking down at his hands when he finally replies, “I did.” He shakes his head. “I do.”

“So?”

Cassian looks up at him and takes a deep breath. “You’re already hurting. I don’t want you dealing with—this,” he says, gesturing between the two of them.

“Dealing with it?” Bodhi frowns. “I know I’m not okay, and I know it’s hard for you, as well, but I thought... I think that we can make it better. We can be happy together.”

“That’s not what I meant,” Cassian says, squeezing Bodhi’s hand. “Nothing would make me happier than being with you.”

“What do you mean, then?” Bodhi asks, and Cassian looks away again.

“What if I... What if we...” he starts, voice quiet. Bodhi doesn’t understand, wants to ask, but the look in Cassian’s eyes when he turns back to him stops him. “I don’t want to lose you.”

Bodhi feels a frown settle on his features as he looks at Cassian. “Do you think I cannot take care of myself?”

“No, I mean...” He closes his eyes. “I don’t know what I mean. I’m just...”

“You’re afraid,” Bodhi says. “Cassian, that’s okay.”

Cassian lets out a shaky laugh. “It’s not. It’s not okay, Bodhi. If something happens and I can't help—”

“Cassian, It’s not your responsibility to protect me,” Bodhi says, voice firm. “I know what I’m doing. I know what I want. If you’d rather not do this I understand, but I want to be with you. You need to know this.”

Cassian nods and leans in closer, hesitant, and Bodhi gives him a soft kiss. “I just don’t want you to get hurt,” he whispers against his lips, and Bodhi squeezes his hand.

“Fucking let anyone try,” Bodhi murmurs. “I’m serious,” he continues when Cassian chuckles. “We could be dead tomorrow. That’s true for all of us. I’m not letting this go to waste out of fear.” He raises a hand to cup Cassian’s cheek. “I’ll keep fighting. For you. For us.”

Cassian closes his eyes, nodding. “I’m sorry. For giving in so quickly. I—”

“No,” Bodhi says, voice firm. “No. It’s not your fault. You’ve been hurt. So have I, but you’ve been here for me. Let me do the same for you.”

“Yes,” Cassian says and nods again. “Yes,” he repeats, and their lips meet again, and he lets Bodhi hold him closer now.

When they pull apart, Cassian gives a soft sigh and touches his forehead to Bodhi’s. “We’ll make it better?”

“We will,” Bodhi promises. “We will.”


End file.
